NOT YOURS!
by Won'tSayI'mInLove
Summary: A seriously weird story based on all those strange Breaking Dawn spoilers we've been hearing. Feel free to comment with any spoilers you want added! I love new ideas.


**A/N: Hey! Well, this is what happens when it's the middle of summer, and nobody will text me cuz it's 3 AM. (and what happens when my desk is too close to my bed-pen and paper and a computer…tempting.) Well, no flames, because it's retarded on purpose. Mkay? Mkay. R & R! (BTW-thanks to stephie for the whole rip-spear-fry-feed thing. Thanks Maddi (I think) for telling me how to spell pedophile, and thanks FanFic peoples for putting up with my retardedness.)**

Hey! Guess what? being a story about Breaking Dawn spoilers, **THERE ARE MANY, MANY SPOILERS **(that are probably not even true, but still.) **YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!**

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Bella Swan stood up groggily. She glanced at her alarm clock, which told her that it was around 5:00 AM. She looked at her closet, which told her Alice had recently visited. Then she turned to her open bedroom window, which clearly told her she was floating outside her bedroom window holding her alarm clock.

Wha-huh?

Bella became aware of a pair of white, perfect, glittery arms wrapped around her waist. She turned her head to see Edward Cullen, her scarily perfect vampire boyfriend, smiling at her like there was absolutely nothing weird about him holding her up outside her second-story bedroom window.

"Edward?" Bella asked, incredulous.

"Hi! I'm Edward! I'm hundreds of years old, and marrying you tomorrow will legally make me a pedophile!" Edward grinned. (1)

Bella blinked, but decided to keep the weird theme. "Hi! I'm Bella! I'm…uh, 18, and if we don't tell Renee we're getting married, she's gonna rip off your thing, spear it, deep-fry it, and then force-feed it to you!"

"Okay," Edward said enthusiastically.

Bella gave him a funny look. He _wanted _his thing ripped off, speared, deep-fried, and force-fed to him?

"Why are you being so weirdly happy?" Bella finally asked. "And why do I suddenly crave chocolate pudding?"

(2) "Because some-bod-y is preg-nant!" Edward sing-songed.

Bella let out a half-strangled gasp/squeal/screech. "_**YOU'RE PREGNANT?!**_" (3)

"No-oh! Some-bod-y else is!" Edward said in the same annoying tone.

"Rosalie found a way around the whole vamps-can't-have-babies thing?" (4)

"No-pe! Keep gue-ssing!" Edward's grin got considerably larger.

Abruptly, a large bump formed on Bella's stomach.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bella screamed. "RABID SQUIRRELLLLLLL!!"

Edward giggled. "Nooooo, it's not a rah-bid squi-rrel!" he sang happily.

"Oh." Bella stopped swatting at her stomach. "Chipmunk, then?"

"Yes," Edward said. "Wait, no! Not a chipmunk!"

"WHAT, THEN?!" Bella finally howled.

"You're pregnant, Bella!" Edward sing-songed again.

Bella glowered. "Stop doing that happy thing. Its creepy. And would somebody get me a pudding? I want a frickin pudding! And-wait." Bella's hand flew to her bulging gut. "I'M WHAT?!"

"Edward beamed. "YES! And I'm a Daddy!"

Bella glared at him. Then she fainted, slipping from Edward's arms, down two stories, and right into Jacob's arms.

Bella woke quickly. "Um, hi?" she managed, struggling to free herself.

"Guess what, Bella?" Jacob cheered.

"Let's see…I'm pregnant, Edward is the dad _orsohethinks, _and I REALLY WANT PUDDING?!"

Jacob snickered. "Yes, no, yes. But also-"

"Mike's gay, Alice invited the pack to the wedding, and Edward probably has overpriced jewelry for me?" (5)

Just then, a spotlight lit Bella's face and a chorus of miniature winged Edwards came down from a fluffy white cloud. They placed a giant diamond pendant on a silver chain around Bella's neck. The chorus grew louder and louder before coming to a stop after one mini-Edward fastened the clasp around her neck.

"What the hell?" Bella blurted.

One MAE (Mini Angel Edward) turned to her, speaking in a high-pitched and unnaturally squeaky voice. "Edward gives present!"

"Esent!" the others sing-songed after him, like a badly accented echo.

Bella tried her hardest not to laugh. This guy sounded like his baby bottle had been filled with helium instead of milk.

Instead of blurting that, Bella said, "So what's with you and your friends, Squeaky?"

"My name isn't Squeaky!" Squeaky insisted. "My name is Jean-Phillipe-Claude!"

"Aude!"

"Ooookay," Bella said. "And the rest of you are…?"

"Christof Junior Senior Junior Senior!" declared one speed-talker.

"Enior!"

"Marcholaus Junior the Fourth!" said another in a strange accent so that he pronounced his name "Macoless Ooon-yur ta foith" instead of "Markelus Junior The Fourth."

"Oith!"

"I'm Anna-Maria-Jane Harco-Smith Senior!" another squealed.

"Enior!"

"I is Cletus Junior. My little brother's name is Mike!" He held up an even tinier MAE.

"Ike!"

"Whaddup, mah name is MARK!"

"Ark!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Mark?" she asked, like, _what the heck?_

"Should we try again?" Squeaky asked patiently.

"Uh, no." Bella shook her head. She pointed at each MAE in turn as she renamed them. "You're Squeaky, you're Speedy, you're Foreign, you're Girly-man, and you…wait, aren't you Cailin's rock buddy?!" Bella's eyes widened. She squirmed her way out of Jacob's arms, much to his disappointment and Edward's relief.

"They're onto us, Mike! FLY AWAY!" And Cletus disappeared.

"Ooookay then. So, Mark, you're Gangsta."

Gangsta grinned. "Thank you."

"No, I meant that's your new name. Although now I think it should be Wannabe-Gangsta. Wangsta?" Bella shook her head in confusion. "Never mind. Gangsta it is. Now, back to renaming you people. Let's see…you're Gangsta…is that really all of you?" Her gaze fell on Mike Newton, who was peering out of the bushes and into her living room window. A grin fell onto her face. She slowly crept forward, sending sticks into deafening cracks to Edward and Jacob but not making a noise that any humans could hear.

Including Mike.

Bella crept forward until she was standing right behind Mike, smiling cheerfully. Then she cleared her throat.

Mike didn't move. He was too busy peering through her window.

"Hey, Mike!" Bell said happily, after a few seconds. "Watcha looking for? My bedroom is upstairs."

Above them, Edward growled almost inaudibly. Mike jumped.

"GAH!" he screamed. "Um, Bella…Hi…There's a perfectly normal reason as to why I'm in your bushes at four in the morning…I…I just-"

"Can't think of anything?" Bella smiled. "Neither can I. Now, go!"

"But-"

"Go."

"But I have pudding…" Mike held up a sad looking pudding cup and a plastic spoon.

Bella let out a psychotic screech and tackled Mike to the ground, snatching the pudding from him. Then she stood up and bounded over to sit on the exposed roots of a nearby tree, looking like a happy five-year-old at snack time.

Jacob sat down next to her. "Bella, I never told you what I was gonna say!"

Bella sucked on her plastic spoon and shrugged.

(6) "Soooo," he said happily. "I'm your baby's dad!"

Edward finally fell from the air, where he'd been floating, three feet above every one else's heads. "No, you're not! I AM!"

Mike regained consciousness and sat up, claiming, "No, I am, Bella!"

Bella looked at her inflated stomach. She made a sound like a sad puppy and crinkled her nose. "Dude, do you know how weird this is?"

The three guys shrugged.

"I have a baby. And now, my spermless fiancé, my best friend, and the creepiest human ever are all claiming to be the dad?" Bella threw up her arms in frustration, accidentally chucking the pudding onto Jacob's head and the plastic spoon down Mike's throat.

Edward laughed. "Nice shots, Bella!"

Just then, a bird flew by and dropped a rock it had been carrying onto Edward's head. He was knocked out.

Bella peered at him. "What drugs cannot do, a small stone did."

"Karma," Jacob said casually.

Edward opened one eye lazily. "Shut up, Pudding Boy."

**AN: Yeah, Caily, I put in Cletus! Pshya! LOLZ okay well maddi I updated AND it's a new FF, one that's not likely to lose interest in any time soon. Chap two is almost done, too. :) and now I have "just dance" by lady gaga stuck in my head. "I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore…what's the name of this club? I don't know, but it's okay…just dance…gonna be okay…just dance…" LOL**

**Oh-and here's why I have those funny numbers in there. (labeling the spoiler-pun-things)**

**1) B and E get married! (le duh)**

**2) Some one gets pregnant...**

**3) ...And it's Edward. (hey, you never know how vampires work, yknow? They could be more like seahorses than humans. You never know...)**

**4) Rosalie gets the preggers, too!**

**5) Bella receives a ridiculous gift. (Edward being Edward, I just figured...)**

**6) Jacob is the dad of the baby. (wait-Bella's, Rosalie's, or Edward's?!) (also-at least we know that both Edward AND Jacob are the father of the child... T.T)**

**Pshya. R and R!**


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